Possibly My Favorite Onion Article of All Time

Whenever I’m paid $200,000 to demonstrate my martial arts abilities and give a short speech to a gathering of young people, I always speak about the same thing: the epidemic of violence we see in our society today. Why do so many kids think using their fists is the answer to all of life’s problems? Where do they get these ideas? That’s why I’m using my status as the world’s most famous martial arts movie star to teach children an important lesson.

Never, ever take a fist to another person unless you’re profiting handsomely from it.

I was a child once, and I know what it’s like to want to settle your differences with a fight. There were many times I dreamed about giving a swift roundhouse kick to the bullies who tormented me. And I could have, too. I was trained. Ready. But when I entered the Peking Opera School to learn kung fu, my master Yu Jim Yuen told me that the true warrior must never strike first. He must sit and wait—at least until he has secured a three-picture deal with Warner Bros. and has fully developed his persona as a highly marketable, family-friendly Bruce Lee.

It’s funny, of course, but what I love about it is how well it references Jackie’s career.

Check out the full article:

Violence Must Only Be Used To Make Hundreds Of Millions Of Dollars | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

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