Movies #25 Attack of the Clones

Star Wars – Episode II, Attack of the Clones. What a terrible film. While it’s not quite as excruciatingly awful as The Phantom Menace (mostly do to a relative lack of Jar-Jar, the worst character ever put on screen,) it’s still a colossal waste of time, effort and talent. Lucas should hide himself away in shame for producing such an appalling set of films.

What did I hate most? Easy… Hayden Christianson.

This is the central character in the prequels for this they cast a terrible actor with the screen presence of a piece of wet Wonder Bread? Nice work. A stroke of series destroying genius. I LOVE Natalie Portman and I ended up fast forwarding through most of her later scenes simply because of his presence in them. The abominable “love story” dialogue and total lack of chemistry between the two might have had something to do with it, but mostly it was because I had developed a gag reflex to any moments when he appeared on screen.

This is to ignore the fact that the whole thing was poorly paced, scripted and lacked heart. Even if Anakin had been played by a well-chosen human being witha pulse, this film still would have been a huge, shitty, disappointing cinematic canker sore. It’s just that it had NO chance with the casting as it was.

Was there anything I liked? Sure. Maybe. The Boba Fett origin was pretty cool, I guess and I liked some of the action scenes and effects, but beyond that, this film is a lifeless hunk of shit. Star Wars fans should file a class action suit against Lucas for Pain And Suffering. To have waited almost twenty years for new Star Wars films and then to have them turn out like this? That’s EVIL!

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